he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
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How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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