Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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