I am midnight drunk by noon
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
