Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
