Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
