I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
