Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
