I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
