I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
