If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
