You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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