I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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