Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
