you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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