Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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