I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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