Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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