i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
