i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
