turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
