do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
