This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
