What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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