The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
