if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
