it wasn't lemon gatorade
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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