omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
