He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
