Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
