I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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