you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
