nut hugger
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
