I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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