Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
