So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
