Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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