I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
