I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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