Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Everclear isn't food dammit
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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