that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
and i looked up. we had an audience...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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