god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
