Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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