I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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