Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
