My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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