It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
