I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
