You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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