It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
