why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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