oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
