I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
