i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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