i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
