They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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