You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
