You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
