Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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