You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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