Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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