God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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