I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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